Um…no actual public skivvies dancing here. It just feels like it, you know? Every time I turn around lately I keep getting the message loud and clear that God wants me to be more transparent. And as a good friend pointed out to me the other night, that means making myself vulnerable. And making myself vulnerable means exposing my heart – scary stuff for me. Thus the public skivvies dancing metaphor. Haven’t we all had nightmares about being in public in our underwear?
Given my personal history, my gut instinct is to try to protect myself from any potential heart-trampling (from anyone – not just talking about guys here). But really, where’s the love in that? Going into self-protection mode encompasses closing myself off (to a degree) from others. But God is showing me more and more that in order to love people the way He wants me to love them I need to open myself up and trust Him to protect my heart. There will always be people who won’t appreciate, will be jealous of, or just not comfortable with my openness and honesty, but I can’t let naysayers direct my steps. God’s told me what He wants me to do, I just need to be obedient, trust Him, and do it. It’s not easy; I’m making some mistakes because there’s a learning curve here, but I’m willing to step outside my comfort zone…for Him. And I believe He will honor that – even when I mess up. And I do. Frequently.
Truthfully, my life would make a great country song. I was fat, unhealthy, my husband divorced me, had to put my dog down, lost a family I loved, I’ve been shamed, lonely, rejected, put down, misunderstood, bullied, taken advantage of…gosh, I could go on but I think you get the gist. God has healed me from a lot of that stuff though. I’m actually carting around significantly less emotional baggage now than I was even when my ex and I were still married. And the stuff that’s left? Well, all I can say is God and I are working on it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m a work in progress.
Contrary to what some people may think, I see myself and my considerably glaring flaws pretty clearly. But I also know to the subterranean depths of my soul that although I was filthy inside, because Jesus paid the penalty for my sins, I’ve been washed clean; and that’s made me completely and unreservedly His. I am the beloved daughter of the King of kings and Lord of lords – that makes me royalty – a princess. His princess. (I don’t always feel like one, but that doesn’t change the fact.)
As scary as the making-myself-vulnerable-and-exposing-more-of-my-heart thing is, it’s also kind of freeing. Through this I’m learning that it’s o.k. to just let my hair down and be myself because that is exactly who God created me to be. While I don’t plan to pour out my heart and soul to absolutely everyone I meet, generally speaking my life is pretty much an open book. How can my life glorify God if I’m putting up walls – hiding where I used to be, how far He’s brought me, and where I’m at now?
Also, pretending to be someone I’m not – someone other people want me to be – is demeaning, soul-crushing, and exhausting. It just doesn’t work for me anymore so I’m not doing it. What you see is what you get, folks. I’m an extraordinarily loyal friend, a total goofball, a prayer warrior from the word “go,” enjoy nothing more than making people smile and laugh, can totally roll with the punches (“expect the unexpected” is becoming my credo), and am passionately in love with Jesus. As far as I’m concerned I was put on this earth for two main reasons: to worship and glorify God, and to serve Him and others.
As far as the potential heart-trampling thing goes, the way I figure it people are people and everyone is flawed in different ways. I have (finally!) come to a place in my life where I can accept people right where they’re at – flaws and all. But I know that in their imperfection people will trample on my heart sometimes, and even though I’m honest-to-goodness bone-weary of having my heart trampled I’m also coming to realize that it’s merely part of the journey, and because I’m His my heart is always repairable.
The thing is I have hope in Christ. That doesn’t mean I expect circumstances to change to meet my desires, it means that I have the assurance of going Home with Him to heaven one day – so I can live in this sin-saturated world with the joyful anticipation of what will come later; and it means I have His promise that He will walk with me through every trial and circumstance of my life (He really does! I may feel lonely sometimes, but I am never alone); and it also means I have the confidence that things will work out the way He wants them to because I firmly believe to my toes that even though I may not understand the “why” or the “when” (or the “if”), He genuinely has my best interest at heart with every single circumstance He engineers or allows in my life. I do slip up occasionally and try to “nudge” circumstances in the direction I’d like them to go, but I know nothing I do or say takes Him by surprise. In spite of myself, I will end up exactly where I’m supposed to as long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him. And the part that leaves me in a perpetual state of humility and awe? The fact that He understands all of this…and loves me anyway. Skivvies and all.